A Pseudo Relationship

I came across a blog earlier because I was searching for articles on "Pseudo Relationships" on the net. I just want to share this write-up I found at lovestoryblog.com.

Here goes...

The "parang kayo, pero hindi" stage. Others call it MU or mutual understanding. Pseudo-relationships. Pseudo-boyfriends. Flings. Almost like a relationship, but not quite. It is a phase where the persons involved are more than friends, but not quite lovers. Puwedeng may verbal agreement, puwedeng wala. One or both of you may have admitted your feelings, possible ding hindi. You just let your gestures do the talking for you. Walang pormal na ligawan na nangyari. Hindi kayo mag-dyowa. Pero sa kilos niyo, sa mga sinasabi niyo, parang kayo, pero hindi.

This kind of "relationship" can happen at different stages for different reasons. It can happen after a break-up. You still love each other, and you want to be with each other but you broke up for a reason. And for reasons that you alone know, ayaw niyo na muna magkabalikan.

It can also happen before a relationship, iyong pareho kayong nakikiramdam. Possible din na ayaw niyo munang mag-seryoso kaya kunwa-kunwarian lang muna. Testing lang. Puwede ring hindi puwedeng maging kayo kasi isa sa inyo may ka-relasyon na. Kaya habang hindi pa siya nakikipag-break doon(sabi niya makikipag-break siya soon pero di naman niya ginagawa), wala muna kayong relasyon para nga naman hindi siya nangangaliwa
kasi "hindi naman kayo."

This pseudo-relationship stage, for a time, can be fun. Lalo na kung naghahanap ka lang naman ng "kalaro." Pero huwag ka lang mag-e-expect na
may patutunguhan kayo kasi wala talagang kasiguraduhan.

So bakit ang daming nagse-settle sa ganitong setup ganoong hindi naman sigurado kung may patutunguhan?

Iba't ibang dahilan. Puwedeng for fun lang. Puwedeng "buti na iyan kesa wala" or puwede na iyang "pantawid-gutom." Meaning, habang wala pa iyong the real thing, doon muna sa kunwa-kunwarian.

For those who are not in a serious relationship, they would think that pseudo-relationship is better than no relationship at all. It would be fun, if all you are after for is that "kilig" feeling.

Mostly, ang rationalization ng mga napasok dito, "okay na iyun, kesa wala."

Aminado naman ako na once upon a time, may mga pseudo-relationships din ako. No commitments involved. For the simplest reason that they couldn't commit, because they were either committed to someone else, or that they weren't ready to commit.

Ang maganda doon, iyong kilig feeling. Iyong merong nagtatanong kung kumusta araw ko. Iyong merong ka-cuddle sa beach outing. Iyong kapag tumunog ang cellphone, mapapangiti na ako dahil alam kong galing sa kanya ang message. Iyong merong laging kasama. Habang wala pa ang the real thing, puwede na itong pagtiyagaan.

But then I learned that although it was only a pseudo-relationship, the emotions were real. And usually, in this kind of set up, ang nagmamahal ang lugi.

Una, you can't ask siya to commit. Since it's not really a relationship, you can't demand commitment from your partner. Ano ba kayo? May K ka nga ba magpasundo or mangsundo ng hatinggabi? You will always be uncertain about your role in his life. You can't expect him to be always there with you. And if you feel jealous of the others, you just have to keep it to yourself. Ano ka ba niya para magselos?

Pangalawa, what if you fall deeply in love with him/her? You can't be sure if he feels the same way. Baka nag-a-assume ka lang na mahal ka rin niya. Even if you are dying to tell him/her you love him/her, you can't. Because you're not sure if s/he'll like it. Baka mapahiya ka lang. This stage will always make you wonder where you are in the relationship. Or if there is a relationship at all.

Pangatlo, what if you become attached too much? What if you have invested all your emotions and that someone hasn't? What if you remain faithful to him/her, not entertaining others, only to find out that s/he is seeing other girls or boys?

Isa pang downside ng pseudo-relationships, it is fleeting. When a disagreement sets in, or when one of you gets cold, then that would be the end of it. Unlike in a serious relationship, hindi mo alam kung saan ka lulugar sa isang pseudo-relationship. Wala kang pinanghahawakan. Kasi sa pseudo-relationship, there is no "us." Meron lang "you and me," hindi "us."

Buti sana kung pseudo-pain din lang ang mararanasan mo. Kaso, hindi eh. Real pain. And usually, kahit tapos na ang pseudo-relationship, hindi mo maiwasan umasang one day, may karugtong pa rin iyun. And you will be miserable, hoping to bring back what you used to have, only to find out eventually that that someone is in another pseudo-relationship with somebody else.

Ang hirap, ano? You agreed to this kind of set up and then you'd end up hurting yourself in the process.

Pero puwede naman maiwasan ang pain eh. Puwede naman na hindi mo muna isipin ang future and just enjoy the feeling, without thinking of the consequences.

But if you are certain that you are going to hurt yourself in the process, kailangan mo mamili. You can be happy and live the moment without worrying what would happen next. Or you can stop settling with pseudo-relationships and wait for the real thing.

When I was younger and in a pseudo-relationship with an unavailable girl, a friend told me, "Sige, kung ayaw mong magpapigil, bahala ka. Magpakasaya ka. Pero huwag kang iiyak-iyak pagkatapos, dahil tatadyakan kita."

Ang bottom line lang naman, kung magpapasaya sa iyo, gawin mo. Ihanda mo lang ang sarili mo sa consequence. Dahil ang "parang kayo pero hindi" stage ay bihirang nagiging totoo. Usually, hanggang doon lang siya -- almost, but not quite.

Partners and Marriage by Kent Nerburn

First post for 2009! Wow... A lot has happened, I don't know where to start! haha

Here's a little something about love... I found this on a friend's page (notes) in FB last January. It made me reflect on my past mistakes, and somehow guided me through the "selection" process. It's a well-written piece. Quite long.. but a good read! I highly recommend this... :) And oh, I googled this essay, and saw hundreds of sites showing the same thing. I found a post as early as 2007. But it doesn't matter, I'm sharing this to those who haven't had the chance to read it yet. :)

This excerpt, by the way, is frequently attributed to Eduardo Jose E. Calasanz, when in fact it is part of Kent Nerburn's book, Letters to My Son: A Father's Wisdom on Manhood, Life, and Love. Chapter 26.

My friend says this holds an advice for the married, planning to get married, single but not available, single and available, and even for those with no love life. So read on! :)

------------------------------
------------------------------------

PARTNERS AND MARRIAGE
By Kent Nerburn

I have never met a man who didn't want to be loved. But I have seldom
met a man who didn't fear marriage. Something about the closure seems
constricting, not enabling. Marriage seems easier to understand for what
it cuts out of our lives than for what it makes possible within our
lives.

When I was younger this fear immobilized me. I did not want to make a
mistake. I saw my friends get married for reasons of social
acceptability, or sexual fever, or just because they thought it was the
logical thing to do. Then I watched, as they and their partners became
embittered and petty in their dealings with each other. I looked at
older couples and saw, at best, mutual toleration of each other. I
imagined a lifetime of loveless nights and bickering and could not
imagine subjecting myself or someone else to such a fate.

And yet, on rare occasions, I would see old couples who somehow seemed
to glow in each other's presence. They seemed really in love, not just
dependent upon each other and tolerant of each other's foibles. It was
an astounding sight, and it seemed impossible. How, I asked myself, can
they have survived so many years of sameness, so much irritation at the
other's habits? What keeps love alive in them, when most of us seem
unable to even stay together, much less love each other?

The central secret seems to be in choosing well. There is something to
the claim of fundamental compatibility. Good people can create a bad
relationship, even though they both dearly want the relationship to
succeed. It is important to find someone with whom you can create a good
relationship from the outset. Unfortunately, it is hard to see clearly
in the early stages.

Sexual hunger draws you to each other and colors the way you see
yourselves together. It blinds you to the thousands of little things by
which relationships eventually survive or fail. You need to find a way
to see beyond this initial overwhelming sexual fascination. Some people
choose to involve themselves sexually and ride out the most heated
period of sexual attraction in order to see what is on the other side.
This can work, but it can also leave a trail of wounded hearts. Others
deny the sexual side altogether in an attempt to get to know each other
apart from their sexuality. But they cannot see clearly, because the
presence of unfulfilled sexual desire looms so large that it keeps them
from having any normal perception of what life would be like together.
The truly lucky people are the ones who manage to become long-time
friends before they realize they are attracted to each other. They get
to know each other's laughs, passions, sadness, and fears. They see each
other at their worst and at their best. They share time together before
they get swept into the entangling intimacy of their sexuality.

This is the ideal, but not often possible. If you fall under the spell
of your sexual attraction immediately, you need to look beyond it for
other keys to compatibility. One of these is laughter. Laughter tells
you how much you will enjoy each other's company over the long term.

If your laughter together is good and healthy, and not at the expense
of others, then you have a healthy relationship to the world. Laughter
is the child of surprise. If you can make each other laugh, you can
always surprise each other. And if you can always surprise each other,
you can always keep the world around you new. Beware of a relationship
in which there is no laughter. Even the most intimate relationships
based only on seriousness have a tendency to turn sour. Over time,
sharing a common serious viewpoint on the world tends to turn you
against those who do not share the same viewpoint, and your relationship
can become based on being critical together.

After laughter, look for a partner who deals with the world in a way
you respect. When two people first get together, they tend to see their
relationship as existing only in the space between the two of them. They
find each other endlessly fascinating, and the overwhelming power of the
emotions they are sharing obscures the outside world. As the
relationship ages and grows, the outside world becomes important again.
If your partner treats people or circumstances in a way you can't
accept, you will inevitably come to grief. Look at the way she cares for
others and deals with the daily affairs of life. If that makes you love
her more, your love will grow. If it does not, be careful. If you do not
respect the way you each deal with the world around you, eventually the
two of you will not respect each other.

Look also at how your partner confronts the mysteries of life. We live
on the cusp of poetry and practicality, and the real life of the heart
resides in the poetic. If one of you is deeply affected by the mystery
of the unseen in life and relationships, while the other is drawn only
to the literal and the practical, you must take care that the distance
doesn't become an unbridgeable gap that leaves you each feeling isolated
and misunderstood.

There are many other keys, but you must find them by yourself. We all
have unchangeable parts of our hearts that we will not betray and
private commitments to a vision of life that we will not deny. If you
fall in love with someone who cannot nourish those inviolable parts of
you, or if you cannot nourish them in her, you will find yourselves
growing further apart until you live in separate worlds where you share
the business of life, but never touch each other where the heart lives
and dreams. From there it is only a small leap to the cataloging of
petty hurts and daily failures that leaves so many couples bitter and
unsatisfied with their mates.

So choose carefully and well. If you do, you will have chosen a partner
with whom you can grow, and then the real miracle of marriage can take
place in your hearts. I pick my words carefully when I speak of a
miracle. But I think it is not too strong a word.

There is a miracle in marriage. It is called transformation.
Transformation is one of the most common events of nature. The seed
becomes the flower. The cocoon becomes the butterfly. Winter becomes
spring and love becomes a child. We never question these, because we see
them around us every day. To us they are not miracles, though if we did
not know them they would be impossible to believe.

Marriage is a transformation we choose to make. Our love is planted
like a seed, and in time it begins to flower. We cannot know the flower
that will blossom, but we can be sure that a bloom will come.

If you have chosen carefully and wisely, the bloom will be good. If you
have chosen poorly or for the wrong reason, the bloom will be flawed. We
are quite willing to accept the reality of negative transformation in a
marriage. It was negative transformation that always had me terrified of
the bitter marriages that I feared when I was younger. It never occurred
to me to question the dark miracle that transformed love into harshness
and bitterness. Yet I was unable to accept the possibility that the
first heat of love could be transformed into something positive that was
actually deeper and more meaningful than the heat of fresh passion. All
I could believe in was the power of this passion and the fear that when
it cooled I would be left with something lesser and bitter.

But there is positive transformation as well. Like negative
transformation, it results from a slow accretion of little things. But
instead of death by a thousand blows, it is growth by a thousand touches
of love. Two histories intermingle. Two separate beings, two separate
presence, two separate consciousnesses come together and share a view of
life that passes before them. They remain separate, but they also become
one. There is an expansion of awareness, not a closure and a
constriction, as I had once feared. This is not to say that there is not
tension and there are not traps. Tension and traps are part of every
choice of life, from celibate to monogamous to having multiple lovers.
Each choice contains within it the lingering doubt that the road not
taken somehow more fruitful and exciting, and each becomes dulled to the
richness that it alone contains.

But only marriage allows life to deepen and expand and be leavened by
the knowledge that two have chosen, against all odds, to become one.
Those who live together without marriage can know the pleasure of shared
company, but there is a specific gravity in the marriage commitment that
deepes that experience into something richer and more complex.

So do not fear marriage, just as you should not rush into it for the
wrong reasons. It is an act of faith and it contains within it the power
of transformation.

If you believe in your heart that you have found someone with whom you
are able to grow, if you have sufficient faith that you can resist the
endless attraction of the road not taken and the partner not chosen, if
you have the strength of heart to embrace the cycles and seasons that
your love will experience, then you may be ready to seek the miracle
that marriage offers. If not, then wait. The easy grace of a marriage
well made is worth your patience. When the time comes, a thousand
flowers will bloom...endlessly.

**********************************************************************

Thank You, Subscribers!

Wow, I can't help but notice the increase in the number of SCRIBBLE & SCRIBBLE Subscribers these past few days. From 0, to 6, to 10, to 13, to 19, and it did went down to 16 for a while, and now at 21! It's a new record! ^_^ It's not many, because I've seen sites with tens and hundreds of subscribers, but I consider myself lucky enough to have some anyways. :) I started this blog last October 15, and I am very grateful for the seriously kind-hearted people who noticed it. hehe It's barely 23 days old... I've seen blogs with only 1 or 2 subscribers, or none at all, and they've been in the blogosphere for a while. =( I always find myself signing up for email subscriptions to those sites, because I know how it feels to see a "0 readers" text on the tiny feedburner button. That's where it all starts, a perfect zero...

I would like to take this time to say THANKS to each and every one of you guys, for your support. My top blog friends, so far, are: xgenesis007, gerimox, and ronald. I appreciate your comments and visits guys. Thank you very much! You never fail to lighten up my day. I invite all my readers to go visit xgenesis' blog, gerimox's blog, and ronald's blog, too! They'll do the same for you, I can guarantee that. Raj, Bhavin, Zelmarqs and the rest of the visitors from BlogCatalog, MyBlogLog, and all the other sites, THANK YOU! I hope you'll visit again soon! :)

And if anybody could tell me, please help me on this one... I'd like to know if there's any way for me to find out who the other subscribers are, e.g. email subscribers, and those who clicked on the RSS feed icons? Feedburner doesn't seem to supply me with the list of email addresses... or maybe I should look harder...? =) I'd like to return the favor somehow. I would subscribe to my subscribers' site content, too. (If I haven't yet) ;-)

I also have one concern... With the frequency of my posts, my emails might end up in your Spam folder. Please let me know if this is happening... So I can find a way to make the email delivery right. :)

Once again, thank you very much! :) My readers' count may go down, or go up from time to time... I'll understand that... But I sure hope it will steadily rise. hehe Thank you!!!

P.S. If you're new to this site, and would like to subscribe to my feeds, please do so. And please let me know, so I could do the same. Thanks!

Unconscious Sex?

Thanks to the Sponsored Links, I learned something new today. This ad caught my attention, because I never really expected to see something like this in my blog. I've never mentioned the word "sex" in any of my previous entries. Although, I do have lots of entries on health, so I guess that's the reason why this ad from healthline.com showed up.

I haven't heard of "Sleep Sex" before. Do you have any idea what it is? I searched the net, and saw an article at webmd.com. This is what I found out...

Sleep Sex, a.k.a. SBS (sexual behaviors during sleep), is "the forceful initiation of relations while in the unconscious state of sleep". In other words, making love unconsciously. Gee.. I never thought that's even possible. Skeptic? Here's an email from a woman who has a husband who's experienced Sleep Sex:

My husband has a difficult time falling asleep at night. Within that first hour after he finally falls asleep, he will initiate sex with me. He is a very different person while doing this, much more aggressive, groping and playfully biting me. I used to think he was awake and doing this consciously until I would confront him the following day and he wouldn't have any recollection of what he did.

This could be scary. Innocent people could be charged for rape because of this, and rapists could probably use this as an alibi.

And guess what? Sleep Sex is not limited to men. This scares me even more. Read on:

In several cases in the Stanford study, women had started moaning ("with sexual undertones," the researchers noted) within a few minutes of falling asleep. In another case, a woman had started fondling herself violently and compulsively while sound asleep.

I honestly wouldn't wanna be caught doing that - especially not by my family, or friends... haha... But how would we know if no one would tell us, right? Who knows? You've probably done something like this! hehe And someone might have caught you fondling yourself, and they thought you were.. what.. masturbating? =P Sorry for the quite vulgar words... :) But yup, a thing like this can be interpreted in many ways. Even the experts have yet to decide if this could be formally categorized as a parasomnia, i.e. sleepwalking.

Luckily, Christian Guilleminault, MD, professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Stanford University in Palo Alto, Calif., have speculated that 1% of the population may have sleep sex - only 1%. :) This is good news for the majority.

What causes Sleep Sex?

The reasons are not clear, but most often, people who engage in sleep sex have a history of other sleep/neurochemical disorders.

Michael Mangan, PhD, an adjunct professor of psychology at the University of New Hampshire in Durham likens sleep sex to multiple personalities: "Asleep, this is essentially a different person." He further stated that fatigue and stress, as well as drug and alcohol use, can precipitate incidents.

Guilleminault says that patients are confused and don't see reality. Here's something from the webmd.com article:

All of these behaviors could come from abnormal brain activity, though in some cases people may not experience the muscle laxness that is supposed to come during REM sleep, which can lead to forceful behavior they would otherwise be too weak to initiate. "These people exhibit slower brain waves," Guilleminault says, suggesting confusional arousal. There can also be abnormal breathing, resulting in less oxygen and a more confused mental state.

I personally feel sorry for the victims of Sleep Sex, I'm sure there are. =( Researchers say there's treatment available: If a person has a seizure disorder that is contributing to the behavior, that can be treated. Otherwise, clonazepam, in the benzodiazepine family, has proved helpful. It is best to consult a physician. But first and foremost, how should one seek help if he/she isn't aware that he/she has it, right?